Out of place

Have you ever sat in a crowded room room surrounded by people, yet feeling completely alone?

I certainly have. Many times, surely more often than I would care to admit. Which I am certain would surprise my family and friends, as they always see me as the confident type. I most certainly lack in that area in my life. Over the years I have learnt to hide it well enough, to have it pass off as confidence.

I am the greatest loner I know.
My comfort zone is at home, alone. I do understand that this is unhealthy, for myself and my children. The very thought of a simple task as shopping gives me anxiety. There are certain places I simply refuse to go to. In hopes that I avoid people. Can't stand crowded places.

I find there are times when I'm around people I feel pressured to be okay. I have learnt that most people aren't comfortable with other people's feelings. In order to avoid dealing with that, they make their own emotions a priority. This suits me well. I can easily avoid questions on my life, and make everything about them.

In a way it also makes the conversation easier. Personally I choose not having to deal with what I am feeling. Most of the time those feelings are just to overwhelming to deal with. So I immerse myself in other peoples issues. Their problems can be sorted out.

I know this is all in my mind. With time, when I am ready I will deal with these issues.
For now, as long as I am aware to this, I can deal with it on my own terms.

So anyone out there dealing with a similar situation, just know, you're not alone!