Death hits each person differently. I have recently lost my grandmother. I say grandmother because that is who she is biologically. Yet she was (is) so much more. She was my mother, best friend, life, rock, anchor. I feel lost and am unsure how to deal with the internal turmoil I currently am undergoing.
I have felt alone many times in my life, even though I have always had her. I knew that regardless what was happening in my life. I always had her. Even when I didn't see her often. We were just the perfect pair.
She was the person who simply understood me without trying. Raising me from birth, I guess, bonded us closely. She could read me with complete ease where (even today) many people are confused by my actions and intentions. She was the one person who didn't try to "fix" me. She saw me as perfect. When others pointed out my flaws she always reminded me I am perfect for her, so why care what others say, think and feel!
I am not sure how I should feel. For the most part I simply feel numb. I feel other emotions too. All my emotion feel heightened. Constantly feel like I am on edge. I am drowning and no one understands, knows or even cares. This is the best way I know to get some of what I am feeling off my chest. I feel as if people are constantly looking at me and judging me.
Having a SO and children adds to my difficulty. As I feel I need to be on the ball 24/7. They don't understand how I feel nor do I expect them too. I do though wish they would give me a break. I am doing the best I can. Obviously having trouble eating and sleeping is going to add to my stress. I am barely functioning.
Unfortunately, life will not pause or stop for my benefit until I catch up. So I will have to keep keeping on. I am exhausted and completely run down.
WAIT... There's more,
Also dealing with terrible toothache. Usually with any aches, pains and qualms I may have, I usually contact my best friend. Now I dread all and any daily activity.
Well, time to ends this blog.
I love you Mommy. Thank you for the amazing woman you have been in my life. My inspiration, my Hero. You have taught me many valuable life lessons. I appreciate all you have done for me and apologize for all the agony I caused you.
RIP!
I LOVE YOU!
